haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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