as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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