My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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