i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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