I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
