ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
My dick has a subreddit
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
