Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
