What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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