I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
