i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
time to smoke my breakfast
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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