Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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