Your dad touched me again.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm like, not good at living.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
