I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
