I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
