omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I think I have vodka in my lungs
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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