Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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