Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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