you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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