At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
