i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
