Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
