she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Randomize
