When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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