My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
