My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Randomize
