We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
