he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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