Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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