so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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