why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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