WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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