...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
