Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I AM VODKA MAN
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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