if you like me you must not know who I am
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
