she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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