I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wear drunk well.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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