My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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