He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
