Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Dick very happy bro
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
