Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
