I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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