Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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