Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
