I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
