he puts the penis in happiness.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
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