is your mom at the bar?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
