I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
