So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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