I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
