I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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