I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
