I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
