just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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