Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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